I am behind.
But I am finally back on track.
These last weeks, right when my English course started, I’ve had serious back problems after a Saturday with fencing in the garden. The treatment consisted in massage and reflexology with extreme fatigue as a result. Apart from not being able to sit on a chair, I couldn’t keep my eyes open. I could only rest, and thanking Netflix for “Elementary”
An interesting side effect of the massage was the impact on my mind. So many memories were held in the firm grips of my muscles and when they were forced to let go I was flooded by all kind of emotions.
Thanks to the treatment the pain in my back and my arms faded away, and I could move again more easily, but now the problem was my mind. So many dark thoughts from my past had turned up to the surface again. I sensed it wasn’t really my current status but never the less the darkness was clouding my view.
I realized it when I stood at my easel with a painting I thought would be a house in a garden with a forest by the sea:
I woke up, “what am I doing?”
I’ve learned about alchemy of the mind. You can do that with nightmares for instance. You turn the events from what you think is bad to what you think is good.
I looked around me for other colors:
I felt a whole lot better.
But still I knew I could not walk around like this. I had studies I wanted to start with. A family I wanted to be with. One morning when things were really bad I texted a friend, asked if she could send me healing, she has a really good way with that, she asked me to come over in person. In her healing room, with the candle lit, things were set right again. Afterwards I could feel happy again.
I’m telling this story in case anyone could benefit from it. The struggle with depression is a really hard one. I’m truly grateful for each day that passes without those clouds. Only someone who’s been there could possibly know how hard it is.
Thanks to this experience I believe I have started another kind of healing, on a deeper level. There are things we are better off to let go of, but the process could be difficult and we are very wise to get help when we need it. Some things are actually too hard to do on our own.
When your mind tells you that you need help, you could also very well get the answer from within about who to reach out to, trust that first thought about a person, a friend, a relative you believe in and feel comfortable with and send them a message. Or if it is better for you to seek professional help.
And always remember:
You are very loved!