So, I’ve been avoiding my Morning Pages*!
What does that mean?
Do I sense a notion of avoiding emotions in myself? I believe I do.
There are issues in myself I’m afraid to set free.
But what could happen, really? Why would it be so “dangerous”??
Take one for instance:
Ok, afraid my parents will die:
That would result in multiple emotional reactions from me.
I’m afraid of those reactions. I’m afraid of dealing with myself having emotional reactions of any kind actually.
Because it usually makes me feel very low. And I become dysfunctional mentally and as a result almost physically as well.
Supporting the whole family’s needs everyday, a dysfunctional mum is not a very good option. So I avoid my emotions, for now.
Maybe! If I should start dealing with the reactions in small doses, now?
Yes, they will die.
Maybe tomorrow or today? maybe next week or next year?
I know that. I don’t know when.
So I still have time to see them and talk to them.
But their minds are fading away so fast!
With my mum I’ve had issues almost all my life, but my father has been my rock to hold on to. I’m so sad to see his beautiful, kind, clever mind slipping away. I cling to his words, encouraging him to remember, comfort him when he can’t. And I realize he is disappearing right in front of my eyes and there is nothing I can do. Nothing. When I left him yesterday he was sitting in the doorway to the balcony sipping sunrays, the wheelchair wouldn’t let him get all the way out. Next time I will bring a treshold to make it possible. I remember a time when he was doing all the flowers in our garden.
They tell me, when I was five I ran to my mothers lap and told her I loved her. I don’t remember that. Would my life been different if I had shared love to my mother? I believe it would. But this is the life I’ve had. It can’t be changed.
A very wise man explained; when he grew up he took to drugs and crime and ran away from things when he got sad or angry. Today his children are running to him when they need support with their emotions. My children are teaching me about how to grow up all over, in another form. The pendulum swings the other way.
Now my mother only sees the good in our relationship. Sometimes she looks a little confused when I show up, as if she doesn’t really recognise me. I ignore that. She is grateful when I help her with her wheelchair. Since I know her I can aid with the right word to help her mind sort out a thought that easily could get lost without reaching her. Many times it gets lost anyway. But she knows her mind isn’t working properly, and it saddens her.
Her body is giving her the comfort possible of occasional deep sleep during the day. I helplessly watch and try in vain to wake her up. I just wanted to help her into her bed, but she’s in such deep sleep in her wheelchair, and I can’t move her by myself.
I think about all the troubled times that has passed. And it means absolutely nothing anymore. It truly is passed. Gone. Each one of us did what we could with the circumstances we had right then.
Looking at old photographs I see her as she was before. Back then, when her body was holding her up, when her mind was with her. Just like I am in my life right now. She didn’t know how to deal with her life and emotions. She handled it the way she could. She didn’t intend to make her words to hurt, I know that, they just did. Maybe she was hurt herself inside. Either way it is not important anymore. Now I just wish for some of her very special wisdom, that I have actually learned from, to be seen. But the source is closed. I can comfort her with my presence. But after I’m lonelier than ever.
I feel sadness because I wish growing up was different. I wish our family had handled things differently. But we didn’t. This is the way our family was built together. And it has been built by love and affection for each other after all. The only impact I feel from my parents today is love. My siblings are dearer to me now than ever before. Loosing our parents makes them even more valuable.
I’m so thankful to Life for showing me the mercy of letting me sort out these emotions, today, in my morning pages. Instead of tucking them away and being run over by a turmoil of emotions at an unexpected moment. I sense there is more work to be done, but finally I have the courage to be honest towards myself. For that I am grateful.
Why do I tell you this?
Because I see the value in daring to deal with phases in our lives. Talking about newborn babies is joyful, and love between partners romantic. But not often do we dare to talk about the parts in life when we get separated from friends and relatives by death. And still the time we have together is so incredible short. Far to short to be able to say and do all the things we wish to together.
So please, please see your life today. Be in your life today. Love as much as you can in your life today
* Morning pages is a recommendation in Julia Cameron‘s book “The Artist’s Way”. Write at least two pages every morning to sort out your thoughts. No editing, just for yourself. Sometimes, like today, with a little editing it is possible to post it. 🙂