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Yesterday something broke inside of me.

I was yelled at by a person close to me. I was told with hard, loud words that I had done something wrong. I didn’t really agree that I had been wrong, but I didn’t interrupt and tried to think about the words being said, maybe I had been wrong, maybe this person was right. And because I feel love for this person I wanted the words to be a relief for the suppressed feelings inside that human.

Afterwards my mind was not in this world anymore. I was in a big, black limbo with no way out. I was surrounded by cold, empty darkness that made me feel completely lonely and every effort I’ve ever made of working and doing the good seemed useless.

I went to bed, felt no use in setting the alarm early because there was no flame inside of me anymore wanting to write about the good in life, my light was broken, almost dead. But I asked someone inside of me to wake me up early if I was supposed to do the writing I do in the early mornings.

I woke up before the alarm. I knew the instant I was awake that I am supposed to be up and sit by my candle with the coffee and write my journal, my precious moment.

My journal today happened to be about the Ego.

My reactions from last night came from the feeling;  I have failed to show the people around me that I am good enough just by being me. But then if I use the phrase I failed there is a also a wish for I succeed. In both cases “I” is the main figure  and it also indicate a difference in grade, fail is bad, succeed is good.

So what if we exclude thinking of “I”. It is difficult, it is part of the imprint from birth in the society. What if we take a moment and imagine what it would be like if we never had heard of the word “I”………

Interesting, I thought of a lot of problems in this world that would have been avoided without “I”.

So by avoiding “I”, there was no real problem yesterday. Today will go on just being “we” and the darkness evaporates and the light shines through!

Somehow when you feel the light inside you become so small you are afraid it will die, find something, just any tiny thing, that will help you gain strength to go on.

You are much needed in this world! You are very important!

Lotta

 

15 thoughts on “What if only we existed

  1. Having this happen is one of the most devastating times we can go through. This happened to me with a close family member some years ago. Some very harsh things were said to me that made me feel as though I had been sucker punched. I reeled from the words, and my stomach hurt what seemed forever.

    It was some time before I recouped. Only then, was I able to try and see through their pain and why they felt the need to attack. Objectivity is usually my way of approaching situations in a more logical manner.

    Some people have difficulty confronting others on the little things and end up letting it get out of control. Then, the explosion. Most times, there are other things going on beneath the surface; but, we get to be the target. I certainly hope this hasn’t done irreparable damage to your relationship.

    Today, the sun still shines.

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  2. Thank you Shelley. I believe we are very lucky to see underlying reasons for what is happening and also that we want to help ourselves by growing out of love. Thank you for sharing. ❤

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  3. O, Lotta, my heart goes out to you for last night’s incident. It’s expected for you, all of us, to feel hurt by the the outburst of hurtful words from a person we love. It’s a human reaction.

    Your morning attutude however shows the love, wisdom, and magnanimity of your heart as you looked beyond the apparent and understood what truly involved in verbalized anger. We have talked about this topic. We know it’s fear that ingnites it. Granted, just knowing does not make easier to accept. The fact that after sleeping on it grounded you again is encouraging for you and all of us as well not to let anything or anyone hurt us. By detaching from any such situations and removing our self from the arena to the spectaros’ area of the stadium, we stay cooler and un-hurt.

    Thanks for writing and sharing such a heartfet post today. You encourage us to empathise with you, yet further empower us to deal with such incidents through the love of the “we” and not the “I” of the ego.

    Blessings and Light to you, always!

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    1. Katina! Your words are always so liberating and encouraging! Thank you so much! Again you use your beautiful words to explain things! So wonderful to have support from you as a fellow human in this adventure called life.🙂

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  4. I’m sorry that someone made you feel bad, Lotta. But you are right there is so much more to life than just our individual self. The world would be such a different place if everyone would think of others first.

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  5. I’m sorry that someone hurt your feelings, Lotta.

    You are so right that there is so much more to life than our own individual selves. The world would be such a different place if everyone learned how to put others first.

    This is a beautiful post. I’m glad you found the desire to write it within you.

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  6. You’ve expressed so clearly the power of harsh, hurtful words. Most of us have been on the receiving end and we know just what you mean. Perhaps your piece will help us refrain from being on the giving end. All the best. ~Lori

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  7. Loved this piece, we all walk that road, turn around and walk back over the events, in the end, we move on, hoping to learn something along the way and the best one is being kind to oneself so we can pass it on to others.

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